The ABC's of Reducing Sibling Rivalry
A typical afternoon in a typical family
home:
1st Child: "Mom, he's doing it again!"
2nd Child: "I
didn't do anything!"
Mom: "Doing what again, honey?"
1st Child: "Sticking
his tongue out at me!"
2nd Child: "She stuck her tongue out first!"
1st
Child: "No I didn't!"
2nd Child: "Yes you did!"
And so begins round one million and one in the seemingly never-ending squabbles that occur whenever two or more children live in the same household. What is a parent to do? You could resign yourself to just put up with it for the next eighteen or more years. Doesn't sound appealing? Okay, here's a better idea: Use the "ABC's of Helping Your Kids Get Along" to reduce their sibling rivalry before it reduces your sanity.
"A =
Attention"
Remember that many times, kids will argue or fight with their sibling in order to get attention from their parents. Kids would actually rather have negative attention than to have no attention at all. A way to cut down on this is to catch your children when they are getting along well and praise them for it. You don't have to make a big deal out of it but a comment such as, "It's really nice to see you both having fun together," can reinforce positive interaction between kids. Also, your kids will learn that positive behavior gets positive attention.
"B =
Bonding"
Try to catch each child doing something nice for his/her sibling. When one of our kids does something nice for the other, we praise that behavior by saying something like, "What a sweet sister you are to your brother" or "What a loving brother you are to your sister". Then when they get mad at each other, we sometimes remind them of loving things that they have done for each other in the past to reinforce the bond that they share.
"C =
Comparisons"
Making comparisons (such as, "Your brother always cleans up his room, why can't you?") usually leads to more competitiveness between siblings. It can also lead to accusations of "playing favorites". You wouldn't want your boss to say, "Why can't you be like so and so?" If she did, you might feel some resentment that you aren't being appreciated as an individual. You might even start to dislike the person you are being compared to by your boss. In the same way, kids are more likely to compete with their siblings if you expect them to be exactly alike. Respect the differences between your children's personalities. Acknowledge each child's unique talents and abilities as an individual.
"D =
Discussion"
Allow kids to verbally express their anger if a sibling has made them mad. Let them know that you understand that they are angry. Encourage the siblings to tell each other how they feel. If your kids are saying, "I hate you!," to each other, gently remind them that even when family members get mad at each other, they don't stop loving each other. In other words, "You might hate what your brother did but you can still love him just like I still love you even when I get mad at your behavior." In the heat of the moment they may be too mad to listen but this will help teach them about unconditional love.
"E =
Example"
Children very often mimic their parent's behavior. It is important to set a good example in our own relationships if we want our children to learn how to get along well. Children who hear their parents yelling at each other are more likely to yell at their siblings rather than sit try to work things out calmly. The family should also have a rule or rules that each member must follow when dealing with another family member. A family of seven children told me that everyone in their family is required to treat each other better than they would treat their own best friend. Another family with six kids uses a family motto, "You First," to teach the importance of thinking about other people's needs and desires instead of being selfish. When their children start to fight, the parents ask them, "Is that 'you first'?" The kids then know that they need to find another way to work out the disagreement. Both families have used these methods for several years and have found them to be very successful.
"F =
Freedom"
Allow kids the freedom to work out their arguments on their own as much as possible. It is important for kids to learn to negotiate and to resolve differences in their relationships with other people. What better training ground is there to learn these skills than with a sibling? Do require them to stay within the boundaries of your family's rules and let them know the consequences for breaking those rules. Step in if things are getting physical, out of hand, or if one child is "bullying" the other.
"G =
Giving"
When giving your time, attention, gifts, and even food to your children, one of them is bound to complain that the other "got more". This may tempt you to always make everything exactly equal at all times but your kids are individuals. Remember that being "fair" doesn't have to mean being "equal". Give to each child according to her individual age, level of maturity, needs, and desires. For example, a younger child may want you to hold her and read to her while an older child may want to play games or work on a project together. You must still be prepared to hear, "She got more!," sometimes, but as long as you are giving each child what they need, they won't feel like they have to compete as much.
"H =
Helpers"
An idea that works especially well for toddlers or preschoolers who are trying to adjust to a new sibling is to ask the child to be your helper with the baby. Kids this age love to feel "grown-up" by helping to get the diapers, hold the bottle, etc. As your children grow, they can still be encouraged to help their siblings with other things. For example, our daughter loves to teach her younger brother. She has contributed greatly to his ability to read and to do arithmetic. He loves to help her in return to figure out computer games, and work puzzles. Just be careful to not make your older child help out so much that it is no longer fun.
"I =
It is unrealistic to expect siblings to always want to play together so don't force it. If they don't want to play together, making them do so will almost always guarantee a squabble. Allow them to play independently or with their friends without having to include siblings every time.
"J =
Justice"
Be careful not to lump all the kids into same boat when one child does something wrong. Make each child take responsibility for his own actions, not for each other's. Getting in trouble for a sibling's wrongdoing doesn't exactly promote good feelings for that sibling and will cause resentment. The same goes for "giving credit where credit is due". For example, you ask your kids to clean up their toys. One child cleaned while the other did nothing. If they both receive praise, the child who did all the work may resent the other. Instead of saying, "The kids did a wonderful job of cleaning up the toys", thank only the child who helped.
Next time you feel like pulling out your hair because the kids are "at it again", remember these "ABC's". Better yet, don't wait for the next fight, begin using them now. My husband and I have used these methods successfully since our children were very young. Many times people have commented on how well our daughter and son get along with each other. They do have sibling squabbles like most kids but they are able to peacefully resolve most of them on their own because of these strategies. Start using the "ABC's" today with your own children to reduce their sibling rivalry and to save your sanity!